Friday, September 28, 2007 . 23:09

second post in a day but.

i have been thinking about this briefly for the past week or so actually. but i never really dared to do any more in-depth. well you could say i was afraid of the questions that it would bring up, questions that i couldnt answer.

but when k started talking to me about it. it was like, something just reached in and pulled out all those questions. basically, its like, when we chrisitians look around, we see everyone (not just christians) having as good a life, if not better, than ours. how can we say we have God on our side if there isnt a clear distinction between ours lives and those of non christians? we cant. can we even say with unwavering certainty that God has been working in our lives?

Look, i think we all have worked equally hard for the stage our lives have reached, yet can we attribute any of this to God? Yes you might say God might have helped you to get this and that just that you were oblivious to it. yet, how can non-christians get the same, if not better, things as us, even with God as our backing? if god helped us, then who helped them?

i recall a bible study a few months back, where it was about how God work in our lives. when asked if we have experienced his work in our lives, i racked my brain for 10 minutes, searching and looking for some point of time where there was a significant thing in my life that can be attributed to Him. In the end, i remember coming up with a lame experience.

Maybe you will say, His ways are higher than ours, etc etc. here, ill quote "what's so wrong about letting us know at least a bit of what he's doing? is it so wrong to ask to be informed once in a while?"... ... ... "so let's say my purpose is to defend this one guy and prevent him from going to jail, He can't tell me that cause i wont understand!?"... ... ... "then at least show me SOMETHING" (yes though at that point i disagreed with you, it was just a futile attempt to satisfy my own longing for an answer no matter how absurd)

if, being a christian for 14 years and living in a religiously active environment for 14 years, i cannot even come up with one instance, how can i say God has truly been working in my life? and if, i have worked equally, or even maybe more than certain non-christians, yet get the same or maybe worse results than them, what does that say?

there are countless examples out there of people, sucessful people, who dont believe in christ, or are probably aethist. Winston churchill for example, thurned aethist, before becoming a freethinker (though he sort of believed in the existence of some sort of divine providence). yet he was undoubtedly a success wasnt he? Yes of course there are those who are christians. but if you look at it this way: what are the similarities between the 2? they work hard, they were determined, etc. but the difference? is that one is non-christian while the other is a christian. so shouldnt success be attributed to hardwork and determination and what not since they are evident in almost all successful figures. yet the prospect of christianity or any religion for that matter is not evident in all.

i know i havent exactly been a wonderful christian, but im not saying im becoming an aethist. no, i want to be a good christian, i wanna include Him in my life, i wanna believe in Him, and i want to love Him and more than ever i want to have a relationship with him. Its just that theres not a single trace of Him in my life. how can you have any relationship with a person like that? if i look back, and review all my successes, all of them i have worked my fair share for. and its not like God did something miraculous to help me through. and its not because i didnt rely on him or thought i could do it by myself, but it was as though he just wasnt there not matter how much i cried out. furthermore, i can name more than a few who have been at the same level of success at me throughout my life and yet arent christians.

so whats the point of living a life filled with stringent rules only to be the same as the rest of the world. whats the point of not "conforming to the world" if the end result is the same as those of the rest of the world anyway? in fact, the only difference may be just that we as christians become more hurt, angry and confused. i just dont see it.

and the moment all these probably unanswerable questions pop up, i struggle to keep them from overwhelming me, desperately seeking answers, no matter how cliche or lame they seem to be. yet deep down inside i know that theres something here that definitely need true answers.

sigh. dont mind me suddenly blurting all these out. K was just like a switch that unbottled all this rambling. (not that im blaming you k)