Tuesday, August 05, 2008 . 18:48
i cant take it anymore.where did all my will go? and my determination. my refusal to be overtaken. my goals. my mental strength. my physical strength.
they seem to have gone just like that.
its not as if i dont want to push. every single training, i tell myself, Derek, stop fooling around, you gotta start pushing.
but when i go on the water i just cant seem to find the strength. and while im stuck in stagnating land. everyone else seems to be gaining on me.
are they all off days? i assure myself that after each training. but i know, they arent.
"this isnt the Derek i know."
indeed, i dont recognize myself anymore
"im fine with the way it is"
am i, really? being average at everything and never being able to excel. being all-rounded has its pros, i agree. but sometimes it just feels like there won't be anything I'd be the best in. or even close.
maybe its just the way im built. maybe its the way i do things. maybe its the way i think. whatever it is. i hate it.
i hate the way some people are just all the way up there.
i hate the way i try so hard but achieve nothing.
i hate the way im always average.
i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
i don't know whats wrong with me. tell me what to do.
and you, you are one of the few things keeping me from breaking down.